How to Deal with Our Resistance to Change

In my work as a leadership coach, I’m often reminded of the fact that most of us resist change.

Given this, I thought it would be fun to explore why this is the case. And how you can move forward into the unknown feeling calm and confident.

First, a little story.

My Story aka What Not to Do

Early in my career, I had a manager who frequently remarked in one-on-one meetings how surprised she was that I was such a talker and so opinionated. But then in larger group meetings, I was shockingly quiet. She couldn’t make sense of this disconnect.

She wanted me to speak up and share my ideas, especially with senior leadership. I wanted that too, but my heart would race and my face would heat up, and it felt better to remain quiet unless absolutely necessary.

This manager coaxed me out of my comfort zone, deliberately asking me questions in larger meetings so I had to speak up. She then raised the bar asking me to facilitate trainings and present at conferences, sometimes in front of hundreds of people.

As you can imagine, a part of me thought she was evil. I thoroughly resisted this change and lost nights of sleep before public speaking events. But another part of me was relieved and excited because I knew that deep down I could do the job and I was done being so terrifyingly shy.

Feeling Pulled in Two Directions

Around this same time, I started learning about somatics. And learning that inside of us, we all have a version of this dichotomy.

A part of us - our animal body - wants to keep us small, comfortable, and in familiar territory. In my case, that meant keeping quiet and certainly off stages. This is the part of us that resists change.

But there’s another part of us - that’s more closely tied to our intuition - that wants us to grow, evolve, use our voice, take us space, and be willing to move into the unknown.

How This Relates to Leadership

Leadership involves this dichotomy as well.

It involves creating something new and taking risks. Leadership also invites us to learn new skills and knowledge. While all of this newness can at times feel welcomed, there’s also a part of us that resists this because it can feel vulnerable, out of our control, and to our animal body, not safe.

Many of the leaders I work with hold tremendous tension in their neck and shoulders. Their discomfort with the unknown and the pressure they feel is a literal weight on their shoulders that becomes somatized.

While many leaders project an air of confidence, their bodies tell me that’s not always how they feel inside.

So, how can we move forward into the unknown, feeling calm and confident? And how can we do this without carrying all of that tension in our neck and shoulders?

One option is to jump into the deep end, as I did with public speaking. With time, we can learn that it’s possible to swim in these unfamiliar waters. But this can be jarring for our nervous systems and can add to the tension in our bodies, so generally speaking, I think of it as what not to do.

Instead, here’s what I recommend.

The Solution: Practice & “Just Muddle Through”

I recommend being intentional about putting yourself in situations that are *slightly* outside your comfort zone. Rather than jumping into the deep end, you can start slowly and through practice, ease your way forward. I find this approach more realistic and sustainable for most people.

For example, once I became familiar with public speaking, I was feeling better on stage but I still wasn’t sleeping the night before events. So I made a commitment to do something every week to continue helping my shy self learn to feel at ease in front of large groups.

This is something I still do years later. My current practice, for example, is a weekly ballet class. I did not grow up dancing and am far from a ballerina.

I’m usually a little nervous when I show up to class, but it’s not so uncomfortable that my nervous system is revved into fight-or-flight mode. My teacher reminds us that when we’re not sure what to do, “just muddle through.”

As a result, these classes help my animal body remember that it’s okay to put myself out there, to make mistakes, and to not be perfect - particularly in front of strangers. There are also glimmers of joy and freedom I feel during class that make the awkwardness worth it.

While it might seem bizarre, ballet classes are a part of my personal leadership training. They have allowed me to do the public-facing work I do today, despite being an introvert.

When I meet with companies and give trainings now, I’m able to sleep the night before because it feels way less daunting than “leaping" across a dance studio with 20 longtime dancers looking on. That’s because I’ve built up the muscle memory and my nervous system now has familiarity with being in public situations like this.

Your Turn

So I’m curious, what is something small you can do this week that may feel a little uncomfortable but that can move you closer - even if it’s tiny - towards a goal you have?

If you have something in mind, I’d love to know. Or if you’d like ideas, let me know and I’m happy to brainstorm with you.

For example if you too have struggled with public speaking, you can start with an improv class. And then go back each week to practice. If you feel awkward and imperfect, that’s ideal because it means you’re putting yourself out there, at your learning edge, and muddling through.

Or if you’d like to feel more ease in conflict situations, you can work with a coach and practice having difficult conversations. The idea here is to have low-stakes opportunities to practice dealing with conflict and feel okay making mistakes. Through practice and muddling through those conversations, your conflict skills can become embodied.

Take-Away

The more we can accept our resistance to change, the easier we can work with our animal bodies to help them learn to embrace the unknown. Practicing is a way to make this happen. It involves an element of vulnerability, a willingness to be imperfect and muddle through, and trust that all of this will be worth it in the end.

At the end of most ballet classes, we stand in a circle and bow or curtsy to the people on either side of us. This is a way of acknowledging their time, presence, and effort.

Given that, I’m passing along a curtsy to you, acknowledging your efforts to support your journey of moving into the unknown; to move closer to your goals and vision for the future. With time, the unknown can feel less daunting and as a result, calm and confidence naturally arise.

While this work isn’t always easy, just like my awkward ballet classes, it’s always worth it.